I feel imprisoned by limitations. I cannot do the things I used to be able to do. I can’t do the work I trained for and enjoyed. I cannot help my neurodivergent adult kids to the extent they need support. I cannot enjoy a lot of social interactions, they overwhelm me now.  I need to break out of this Parkinson’s prison I’m in. Apathy is my prison matron. She is constantly harassing me and blocking me from escaping. Am I blocking myself?  I struggle with taking any initiative to bolster my health. (Improving my diet, exercising, getting therapy.) I have a numb and colorless notion that I am “doing fine”.  I think I might choose to live with apathy because as sad and obviously unproductive as that state of being is, I am comfortable there. No risks are taken. There is no responsibility.

 I am stuck and I need to break free.

At this point, I have reached out for more help from my doctor. She prescribed a new medication that she says will hopefully give me more energy and that may rid me of the apathy. I am now ready to jump into my van and accept the call to adventure. The adventure of learning to live with PD and the challenges PD presents.

I will try to find the strength and motivation to face my challenges. That very obvious and constant challenge is to stop existing in a state of apathy.  It feels like codependency and I have had enough of those relationships in my life that I know how destructive that is and I don’t want to live with those feelings! It’s just very hard to break away. It feels like I am left with no choice and now have to confront the apathy. Go fight it. Drag it out of the shadows, out of the cave it lurks in, waiting to ensnare me.

As I drive away I feel hopeful. I want to go into the cave with conviction that I will find the tools I need to take control of my life back from my nemesis, apathy.