Now it is time for me to take some action. I cannot simply say “I hate Parkinson’s” and leave it at that. I have to do SOMETHING to move myself along.
As I think about taking the steps needed to accept and learn to live with PD, a formidable nemesis in the form of apathy has shown up. I am struggling daily to get rid of this apathy. Sometimes it feels like I’m just waiting out my time between attacks of this insidious feeling consuming me. I just sit waiting for something to happen, but nothing happens because I am so unmotivated. I sit on the couch, staring out at nothing. So I do nothing.

It feels like I’m caught up in trench warfare. It is wet, cold, muddy and there is the stench of rot and death. It’s stagnant. The officer in charge of that trench (my apathy) never lets me out of his grip. He oppresses me. I’m afraid to come out of the trench. As if I would rather deal with the horror of living in the trench because I know what to expect.

The trench is the threshold I must cross. I have family, friends, my doctor, all telling me it’s safe. Go ahead and cross. Get out of the trench. There are messages from allies (other PD patients, friends) telling me it’s safe to crossover, the silencing of guns, (worries, doubt),  and the sun coming out after a night of gentle snowfall (grasping and allowing hope in) all serve as the guardian on the other side of the threshold encouraging me to step out. To stop letting the nemesis influence me. To get over my apathy. It’s like the Christmas Truce of 1914 in some ways. The Brits and Germans cautiously emerged from the trenches. Meeting the enemy face to face and even exchanging gifts, singing songs together, sharing sausage, cake, and beer. Audaciously playing a soccer match together in that middle space where they met, and peace was shared for a day.  But do I go back to the familiar and oppressive trench when that truce has ceased, resigned to suffer, and perhaps die. OR do I go back to the trench believing that my fight will someday carry me over the threshold.

I don’t know what actions to take, I still feel overwhelming apathy, lack of motivation, but at least now I am willing to call my nemesis out. I can say, “I see you, I feel you and I hate you. I don’t want you here”. I may not know how to get rid of this nemesis, apathy, but I think at least now I am more willing to try.