I’ve just broken through a wall. A wall of fears and limitations. I have escaped the cave that lured me inside and held me frozen in time and life. As I drive my escape vehicle away, I watch the site of my battle and victory fade in the rear view mirror. I also see my vanquished enemy in the back of my van, locked in the dog crate I threw her into. She’s sitting in there, staring at nothing. She can just wait there. Indefinitely.  

Every nerve in my body is firing. My heart is pumping so fast, and my eyes feel as if they are seeing more clearly than they have in years. I stop to take it all in because I can’t quite believe what I just did.  I think that my new medication, Mirapex, may be helping. It may be a magic item I picked up in the cave! But in this moment, I feel more like it’s strength and confidence that were always there at my discretion. I just needed a new attitude. Now I can feel confident that I am responsible for making this breakthrough possible. Though truthfully, supportive family, friends and Day One cohorts have been there all along to support me too. I was just too lost in my own mind to see where I belonged – on the road of hope, following a map that brings me to the realization that I can do more than survive. I can endure and be strong when needed. That’s good, because I know I have more challenges ahead.  Apathetic Annie isn’t the only passenger traveling with me. Doubtful Dennis, Worrisome Wanda,  and “I’m too tired” Tucker are sitting in the passenger seats of my van, coming along for the ride. They always have something to say. Always complaining. I need to figure out how to live with them too. They regularly test me. They can slow me down, irritate me and sometimes make me give up for the day. For now they are quiet and I get to be productive! I will have days that I don’t feel as strong or confident as I do at this moment. As long as I can recall how I came through the ordeal that freed me, I can do it again. 

I am learning that life is bigger than the daily, often menial, work of my life. MY LIFE means more. I have been in a foggy, often dark place and it took Parkinson’s to make me find the light within me.  So much has changed for the better in the last week that I don’t know what my wish is now. Nor my fear. I suppose they are one in the same. To stay in the light and never go into the dark again. Bring on the daily tasks of life and test me with more trauma… I can do this! So get back in that van, turn on some inspiring music and let’s go!