Since Pixar has released their newest animated feature, “Inside Out 2”, I thought it was the right time to start releasing the writing work I did recently through the Day One Cinema Therapy program. (yesandexcersize.org) “Inside Out”, the first film, was the film that guided us through 16 weeks of writing from January – May, 2024. There are eight chapters to this story, here is part one.

I find myself taking another Hero’s Journey, so soon after the first, where I explored what it was about Parkinson’s (PD) that made me feel imprisoned. I am trying to discern my choices for moving forward.  There are multiple paths worthy of exploration. Which path is the true quest and what makes it “true”? My singular duty to make this choice is a “Let’s Make a Deal” moment. Will I take the sure thing – $100 dollars?  Or will I take what’s behind curtain #3 – the unknown? The answer has to be curtain #3! My life’s path is never a sure thing. It’s already taken so many remarkable turns. Some good, some bad. There are no wrong paths. Only new paths we didn’t know we were meant to walk.

Having to make decisions has become very difficult for me because of my Parkinson’s (PD). When I am faced with making choices, whether it’s vital to my existence, or something simple like whether I want coffee or tea, I grapple with making choices to the point of shutting down in frustration and great disappointment in myself and anger at PD. Stupid PD, you are so pathetic!

So, what was it I needed to decide on? Oh right, I want to find a succinct definition of how PD affects me so people in my life can understand what it’s like to live with it daily. I’m also thinking a lot about how my 17 year old dog Daisy’s death has affected me and plays a part in any path I choose to move ahead. Every day I question and hope that I was enough for her. I hope that she could feel her own unconditional love for me reflected back to her.There was barely a negative emotion in her life. If there was, it was fleeting and had no place in her life. 

I think one of the keys to this exploration is to face all the emotions that frequent my life. I feel like I need to really understand them so I can manage them. The same way I feared, then confronted my apathy. “Apathetic Annie” never bothers me anymore. I see her in passing. Like an unwanted solicitor at my door, I acknowledge her, but I don’t let her in.

So to mythologize this second journey I will start where I left off on the first. Having defeated my apathy – “Apathetic Annie”. 

An amazing thing has happened! “Apathetic Annie” has offered to help me face the other emotions I’ve been dragging behind me. She thinks that I should recall the thoughts and feelings I had dealing with her and apply those to dealing with my other emotions. I dread facing them because they drag me back to a time in my life I most felt alone and abandoned since being diagnosed. That was when I started delivering the news to family and friends that I have PD. The reception of my news was mostly thoughtful and kind, but even the most loving and supportive response still made me feel like I was put into a small isolation room.

But now I’ll step out of that isolation and try to understand the difficult emotions I have carried with me for so long. I hope it will be my “true” path.  “Apathetic Annie” steps in and rounds up the contentious crew of troublesome emotions. I no longer have my van, so they all pile into the back of my little EV, filling it up like a crowded clown car. Buckle up! This is going to be, ahem, interesting.