We all know the phrase “pain in the ass” (or butt). It’s usually reserved for those particularly annoying situations or people who just seem to make life a little harder. Well, let me tell you, I’ve taken it to a whole new level. This isn’t just a metaphor—it’s my reality. My glutes have decided they want top billing in the symphony of aches that comes with living with Parkinson’s. And let’s just say, they’re not fitting into any symphonic harmony in my body. They are definitely falling flat.

The Pain Chronicles

Describing this pain is an art in itself. Imagine sitting on a bag of marbles—sharp, uneven, and somehow all strategically placed to inflict maximum discomfort. Or maybe it’s more like a tiny, angry porcupine has taken up residence back there and refuses to leave, no matter how much rent you offer. Either way, my glutes are staging a rebellion, and unfortunately, they’re winning.

But here’s the kicker: it’s not just about sitting. Oh no. Standing for too long? Cue the ache. Lying down? Don’t get me started. Even walking has turned into a delicate negotiation between me and my rear end. Even sneezing has become dramatic. It instantly engages all my myofascial muscles, including the glutes. The pain feels like I’m Wile E. Coyote getting instantly crushed by a giant wrecking ball he had set up to drop on the Roadrunner, but of course we know he’s always done in by his own devices. That’s what Parkinson’s is like, too. I’m always being sabotaged by my own body. I never get my roadrunner moment, which would be at least one day without pain.

 Adventures in Relief

Naturally, I’ve tried everything to alleviate this literal pain in my butt. Ice? It dulls the pain momentarily, but having a frozen ass feels like there are thousands of little prickly cactus hairs back there. Heating pads? Sure, until I forgot to check the temperature and ended up with a new problem: a slightly toasted backside. And don’t even get me started on massager gadgets that promised miracles but instead felt like a medieval torture device.

Parkinson’s: The Plot Twist

As if the tremors, stiffness, and general unpredictability of Parkinson’s weren’t enough, my body decided to throw in a bonus feature. Because why not? Sitting, one of life’s simplest pleasures, has turned into a game of “Is this chair worth the risk?” Spoiler alert: it rarely is.

The irony is not lost on me. Parkinson’s already keeps me on my toes (figuratively, of course—balance isn’t my strong suit these days), and now I can’t even take a load off without a battle. It’s like my body’s personal reminder to never get too comfortable—literally.

Laughing Through the Pain

Here’s the thing: I’ve found that the best way to deal with this—and with Parkinson’s in general—is to laugh. Sure, my glutes may be on strike, but that doesn’t mean I have to take it sitting down (pun absolutely intended). Humor has become my secret weapon, a way to take the edge off and remind myself that even when life hurts, there’s always something to smile about.

The Silver Lining

Life with Parkinson’s is full of surprises. Some are pleasant, like discovering new ways to appreciate the little things. Others, like this pain in my butt, are less so. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: you can either cry about it or laugh about it. And honestly, laughter feels a lot better—even if it sometimes hurts a little too.

So here I am, navigating life with Parkinson’s and a particularly feisty backside. It’s not always easy, but it’s always an adventure. And as long as I can find the humor in it, I’ll keep going. One carefully chosen chair at a time.